| I want answers, not faith. |
[11 Feb 2007|06:18pm] |
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music |
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Honestly--Cartel |
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Today in confirmation, I noticed that one of the vows of baptism is "Will you forgo all Satan's pleasures and temptations, for he is the Author of All Evil?" The proper response is "I do", but not for me.
If God created the world and everything, then why would he create an ultimate source of evil reputedly as great as himself? That doesn't make any sense. So I told my mom that I don't believe in Satan, I believe in people making their own (good or bad) decisions, and evil men blaming their own crimes on an imaginary figure. I told her I don't believe in evil beings lurking behind trees just waiting to strike evil into the hearts of children. Then she said to me, "What about exorcisms?"
Oh, you mean the excuses ignorant doctors and con men used to give for mental diseases, disorders or retardation? She insists that while that's true, every year there is a tiny percentage of "real" exorcisms performed. I don't think God would have created evil beings to torture people, the children he is said to love. She told me to have faith, or to discuss it with my grandmother, who is almost a saint. She told me most people don't think as deeply as I do about these things. I told her then that they don't think, but follow a church blindly because they have wine and bread that they insist turns into blood and body of a man who died over two thousand years ago.
Don't get me wrong, I like the idea of God. To think that there is somebody all powerful watching over me and loving me, it's very reassuring. But I just think the Catholic Church has no idea what's all about it. It contradicts itself at every step, and this is only one vow.
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[04 Feb 2007|01:14am] |
Dear Juliet's Nurse,
I hate you.
Sincerely,
Lexi
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| Weeping |
[02 Feb 2007|08:12pm] |
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music |
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L'Ultima Notte |
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I knew a man who lived in fear
It was huge, it was angry,
It was drawing near.
Behind his house a secret place
Was the shadow of the demon
He could never face.
He built a wall of steel and flame
And men with guns to keep it tame
Then standing back he made it plain
That the nightmare would never ever rise again
But the fear and the fire and the guns remain.
It doesn't matter now it's over anyhow
He tells the world that it's sleeping
But as the night came round I heard
It slowly sound
It wasn't roaring, it was weeping
It wasn't roaring, it was weeping.
And then one day the neighbours came
They were curious to know about the smoke and flame
They stood around outside the wall
But of course there was nothing to be heard at all
"My friends," he said, "We've reached our goal
The threat is under firm control
As long as peace and order reign
I'll be damned if I can see a reason to explain
Why the fear and the fire and the guns remain."
It doesn't matter now it's over anyhow
He tells the world that it's sleeping
But as the night came round I heard
It slowly sound
It wasn't roaring, it was weeping
It doesn't matter now it's over anyhow.
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[01 Feb 2007|07:22pm] |
HARRYYY POTTTERRRR!!!7/21/07!!!!!
EEEEEE IM SO EXCITED!!!!!
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| one day i'll lead you in the summer |
[27 Jan 2007|01:53pm] |
CAITLIN'S COMING TO VISIT!!!! I'm so excited. Fianlly, something GOOD is happening to me. I have to wait 26 days, almost a month, but it's worth it.
I've spent so much time alone lately I'm sick of myself.
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[05 Jan 2007|12:56am] |
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music |
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Stairway to Heaven |
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i think that sometimes if you want to be noticed, and you want to be different, you have to act like somebody totally different. then you get what you wanted, but its not what you worth it, because the other people don't know who you really are. So you can't be yourself--you have to be MORE than yourself.
Does that make sense?
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| Resolutions cont'd |
[02 Jan 2007|06:48pm] |
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music |
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Tiny Vessels--death cab |
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Some my resolutions are kind of sad. But it's the mood I'm in. I've been listening to my "Sad" playlist for two days. So, bear with me, won't you?
3. Delete my MySpace. I'm starting to hate it. I would, but I can't bear to lose all my lovely comments.
4. Actually work on my book. For the first time in six months. This is slightly more pressing since I found out this kid in my history class (in my grade) just got his first book published. Yes, it's a selection of stories from the Torah. REGARDLESS.
5. Accept that I will never be beautiful, tall, famous, or any bigger than a B cup. Nuff said.
6. Study more. MIDTERMS IN TWO WEEKS.
7. Stop being so jealous of my friends and how loved they are. Yet another reason to delete my myspace.
8. Stop wishing I was somewhere else. As much as I hate it, Ohio is my home now. And there's nothing anyone can do to save me change that.
You are beautiful
But you don't mean a thing to me.
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| I can't change who I am, not this time, I won't lie to keep you near me. |
[02 Jan 2007|01:11pm] |
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music |
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Lacrymosa--Evanescence |
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This must be it.
Welcome to the new year.
The drinks were consumed,
the plants were destroyed,
and the hors d'oeuvres dismantled.
I'm not smiling
behind this fake veneer.
I am often interrupted
or completely ignored,
but most of all I'm bored.
I'm trying to find out
if my words have any meaning.
Lackluster and full of contempt
when it always ends the same.
It's times like these I really wonder why I ever stopped listening to them. Their lead singer is actually TALENTED. Imagine that.
So, overview of trip:
not bad. Pretty good, actually. It was nice to be back. But I was sad to find the kids I grew up with are grown up and empty shells. The best day was seeing Eli. After that it was pretty much pointless. I couldn't write all break, but then second period today, something in me snapped, and the words came pouring out. I hope I can enter it in the prose contest, but I think for that you actually you have to have a plot, and not a description of insanity. Besides, I don't want everyone to know what I'm like, or what I really think. If I have to go through high school pretending to be the silent girl in the corner, so be it. I'm not afraid of silence.
And so in that vein, my New Year's Resolutions run.
1. Get better at keeping people out. This may sound strange to you, but I can't afford to let too many people here in. I don't trust easily but if I'm not careful, I could give these kids weapons with which they can destroy me. Maybe I sound mad to you, but these people terrify me. And maybe they aren't all out to get me, but I mess up really easily. All it takes is five minutes, and I'm a goner. And I can't be too open. I don't know. I guess you have to be me to understand.
2. Learn how to survive without CTY. This is my last year. I can't go away with CTY best friends and then come back knowing I'll never see them again.
More later.
I'm jet lagged as shit here.
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| Listen and think when I say |
[18 Dec 2006|08:31pm] |
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music |
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Who Makes You Feel -- Dido |
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Today, no this week, no, this month, has been one of those months where I feel like no one is listening to me. I feel like everyone is hearing me. But they're not listening.
Please. Like my opnion matters.
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| ghjfghdg |
[12 Dec 2006|09:35pm] |
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music |
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House of Wolves--MCR |
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I'm restless again. What an odd, odd feeling.
I'm questioning the love of my friends. I'm wondering why I don't have more friends. Am I one of those people who just has a small group of tightly knit friends? No no no. I never wanted that. I never wanted all these kids I like to look at me and say "Oh, she's nice. Kinda shy though."
I always wanted a lot of people to look at me and go, omg, that chick is fucking cool.
And I got PSATs back today.
97% percentile for reading and comprehension skills. 90% percentile for writing skills. 31% percentile in mathmatics.
See the problem?
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| LiveJournal (Sweet) |
[26 Sep 2006|06:14pm] |
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mood |
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 cynical |
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music |
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The Used-- Cut Up Angels |
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Dear _(insert your name here)_
Hi, and welcome to my LiveJournal! This is just basically something to post to make you friend me, because all of my good entries will be either friend-only or private.And to make it look like I have something on an otherwise blank page. PLEASE ONLY FRIEND ME IF YOU KNOW THAT WE ARE FRIENDS, OR WANT TO BECOME FRIENDS WITH ME. If you only want to see my private thoughts because you are curious about me, then just look here. Don't friend me because you want to run to your friends with stories about my personal life, that's what MySpace is for: www.myspace.com/poets_tears. Or--here's a revolutionary idea--you can TALK to me! All sarcasm aside, I do like to meet new people. And I don't bite. Hard.
But these are my PERSONAL thoughts, and the only reason I post them online is because I am seperated from my friends by many miles, and it's easier to keep a journal that they can comment on then to try to track them down every so often and interrupt their lives. If you actually succeed in getting in and I don't know you, all the names in this journal have been changed, except when in reference to Medfield and CTY.
Thanks!
Love, Lexi
Update:
Okay so lately some people who just go adding people are adding me....and come on, I don't appreciate that. If you're going to ignore the above (the DONT ADD ME UNLESS YOU KNOW ME part) then at least COMMENT HERE.
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